dependence VERSUS interdependence

It’s my honest opinion, based on many decades of conversation and observation as well as counselling, that women very often do themselves a disservice by neglecting their female friends, once they enter into a relationship with a man. When that relationship becomes stable and long-term, too often excuses are made to even to even continue a close association with friends who most probably have proved themselves over and over again during the earlier years. This presents as the “couple” being two people solely caught up in their own personal world and time and space, which let me say here, can be absolutely beautiful. But let’s look at things rationally and sensibly here.

If you depend long-time upon your partner for EVERYTHING, and expect to spend every single second with him, and expect him to depend on you with the same intensity, then unless he is a “perfect man” then sadly, both of you are going to trip up and it won’t take too long to happen.

You’ll make excuses as to why you can’t meet up with your girl friends (even your parents and siblings) for a cup of coffee; to go to a show together; to spend a weekend together with other friends; to share an evening meal together; to go shopping together; to go for a drive together; to visit venues that cater to a shared taste such as art galleries, fashion parades, a beautician for manicure and pedicure. The list goes on and on.

Your man will demand all of your time, and you’ll willingly sacrifice your own personal space and time to meet those demands. This is not healthy.

Let me say here however that I am not talking about couples where one HAS to depend on the other for personal care and wellbeing. This is quite outside of the picture I’m presenting here. I’m talking about one personality losing themselves within their partner’s until such time as they no longer have any will of their own. Come the time that this relationship may break down or some other reason, the person left feels abandoned, adrift and alone. It’s very difficult to pick up the pieces of friendship with her previous girl-friends, because they’ve moved on and enhanced their own lives by extending their circle of female friends.

There’s another aspect here too. The number of times you’ll hear or read about a couple who “appear” to have a perfect relationship suddenly breaking down for no apparent reason, makes you wonder how this could happen. Believe me when I say it’s hard to accept that usually the man gets sick and tired of his partner being a “yes” person all the time (even though that is what he has demanded throughout the relationship) and moves on to another woman or women who have a bit more feistiness in them. It’s a contradiction but it’s a fact.

It comes down to a couple of things. Women may feel so grateful for a man’s attention that they’ll turn themselves inside out to be “there” and to “do” everything for their man, thinking this is what will keep him interested. A relationship must be built on more than being “grateful” someone takes an interest in you.

Another thing is that a woman often feels she HAS to have a man to be fulfilled as a woman. She’ll often choose the wrong man in this process, and becomes every more frustrated and unfilled. She’ll quite often become bitter and angry along the way too.