dependence VERSUS interdependence

It’s my honest opinion, based on many decades of conversation and observation as well as counselling, that women very often do themselves a disservice by neglecting their female friends, once they enter into a relationship with a man. When that relationship becomes stable and long-term, too often excuses are made to even to even continue a close association with friends who most probably have proved themselves over and over again during the earlier years. This presents as the “couple” being two people solely caught up in their own personal world and time and space, which let me say here, can be absolutely beautiful. But let’s look at things rationally and sensibly here.

If you depend long-time upon your partner for EVERYTHING, and expect to spend every single second with him, and expect him to depend on you with the same intensity, then unless he is a “perfect man” then sadly, both of you are going to trip up and it won’t take too long to happen.

You’ll make excuses as to why you can’t meet up with your girl friends (even your parents and siblings) for a cup of coffee; to go to a show together; to spend a weekend together with other friends; to share an evening meal together; to go shopping together; to go for a drive together; to visit venues that cater to a shared taste such as art galleries, fashion parades, a beautician for manicure and pedicure. The list goes on and on.

Your man will demand all of your time, and you’ll willingly sacrifice your own personal space and time to meet those demands. This is not healthy.

Let me say here however that I am not talking about couples where one HAS to depend on the other for personal care and wellbeing. This is quite outside of the picture I’m presenting here. I’m talking about one personality losing themselves within their partner’s until such time as they no longer have any will of their own. Come the time that this relationship may break down or some other reason, the person left feels abandoned, adrift and alone. It’s very difficult to pick up the pieces of friendship with her previous girl-friends, because they’ve moved on and enhanced their own lives by extending their circle of female friends.

There’s another aspect here too. The number of times you’ll hear or read about a couple who “appear” to have a perfect relationship suddenly breaking down for no apparent reason, makes you wonder how this could happen. Believe me when I say it’s hard to accept that usually the man gets sick and tired of his partner being a “yes” person all the time (even though that is what he has demanded throughout the relationship) and moves on to another woman or women who have a bit more feistiness in them. It’s a contradiction but it’s a fact.

It comes down to a couple of things. Women may feel so grateful for a man’s attention that they’ll turn themselves inside out to be “there” and to “do” everything for their man, thinking this is what will keep him interested. A relationship must be built on more than being “grateful” someone takes an interest in you.

Another thing is that a woman often feels she HAS to have a man to be fulfilled as a woman. She’ll often choose the wrong man in this process, and becomes every more frustrated and unfilled. She’ll quite often become bitter and angry along the way too.

First Impressions!

Louise B was told about Francesca, an Italian lady, living in the Hills area. Francesca holds special, simple and basic Italian cooking classes, for both men and women.

Louise imagined Francesca's lifestyle, basing it on what she heard about Francesca's home, the car she drove, and other "gossip" that made its way around the local community. Taking into account the number of classes she took in a year. Louise's mind concentrated on the financial benefits and the fact that Francesca must be "well off".

She enrolled for a class herself. Upon meeting Francesca she was amazed at the beauty that radiated from this lady, a woman in her 50s with grey hair and many stories to tell from her lovely face. Francesca is also a big woman, well aware of her size, and completely aware of her own "self". Being paralysed from the waist down and in wheelchair, navigating around her kitchen as though it were a simple matter, Francesca is a fully rounded and self-accepting woman. Louise's opinion of Francesca changed from being envious of her and her "money", into admiration for a woman who rose above any pain and discomfort, and made life enjoyable and pleasant for other people.

Louise gained insights into "first impressions" following that class. I think we all need to step back at times and analyse just what our thoughts and assumptions may be, and whether they are fair and balanced.

Comparing Yourself to Others

"Don't compare your life to others.
You have no idea what their journey is all about"

It's a negative emotion and a waste of energy and it's selfish.

We spend far too much time in comparing ourselves to others. Whether it's their looks, their size, their possessions, their career, their homes, their families, and even their holidays. There used to be an old saying "keeping up with the Jones'" and though most of us didn't fall into that trap, there are times when we could quite easily do so. It's called envy.

As with most things in life though, there are always allowable exceptions. To be envious that a woman has undergone cosmetic surgery and come out of it looking twenty years younger, with a figure that even Elle McPherson would pay squillions for, has to be ridiculous. If someone has the money, and the determination to do likewise under the surgeon's knife, then that's their decision, but we who are not so much concerned with being the same or copying what the first woman did, are probably much more contented with our lot. And this shows in our life-style, our behaviour (to others and to ourselves), and frankly in our facial looks.

We're told we should be beautiful - but story-book sketches are not what beauty is about. A lovely woman with a smutty tongue is not beautiful. Beauty has to be the whole woman, not just the bits you see. Look around you and carefully study older women - serene, no wrinkles, beautiful complexions, happy dispositions, and laughter. Yet, listen to their stories and you'll be surprised and inspired by stories of battles, wars, illnesses, losses, pain, suffering. And still they live, love and laugh.

Comparing your age, your looks, your size and your shape is counter-productive. The other person is the other person. You are you. And you need to come to terms with who "you" are, not waste time in trying to emulate another person, who's nature and personality will always be an unknown to you.

"Oh, she's got this, and she's got that". How often do you hear this, and have you even said it yourself? Turn this around and ask yourself, "what have I got?" And you'll be surprised at the list of positive things that will grow as you think about them.

CLOTHES with a purpose!

Recently K Mart had a big sale of clothing - men’s, women’s and childrens. Katie D of Monbulk went shopping.

“There was a lot on sale, but nothing I really wanted. So I went through to the Men’s section, thinking I’d look for something for my boyfriend. I noticed a couple of racks of Big Mens Wear - lovely big over-shirts; sweaters; and underwear.

I chose three big shirts, not for my boyfriend but for me, because I do a lot of bushwalking and even find larger clothes more comfortable when sitting in the car driving long distances. I then bought three Bonds men’s singlets. They’re low in the neckline, and roomy and long in the trunk. Under the big shirts they look just like a woman’s cami. I’ve cold-dyed one a lovely bright red. I also splashed out and bought a great v neck merino wool jumper.

Even bearing in mind they were all on sale, I have no doubt I came out of the shop with a lot more money left in my wallet than had they been women’s clothes. The shirts each cost $12 and the singlets were $6.99 while the jumper was $15.

Having planned a camping trip down at Wilson’s Promontory which is starting to rejuvenate following the bad bushfires earlier in the year, I’ve got my entire wardrobe for around $72, and I know they’ll last a lot longer than women’s clothing.

Another thing. They are made much better than many clothes I’ve bought from the women’s section - the sewing is stronger and the seams more generous and importantly the underarms of the shirts are ample for my big arms.”

It's a matter of having an open mind - too often we miss out on real bargains because we tell ourselves men's clothing are only for me. Another friend Mel from Sydney actually buys men's shirts when they're on "special" at David Jones - she always has compliments and is asked where does she buy them from? She even combines them with smart men's ties and wears them with smart, well fitting pants and lovely leather boots. You'd never think she is in her 70s - she always looks at least 20 years younger. And she's never had any botox either!