When does a suggestion become bullying?

Beth phoned me late last year, all teary and full of guilt. No, she hadn't hit her husband over the head with the heavy copper frying pan. She's just been subjected to yet another tirade of "why don't you lose some weight, you stupid woman." And who had said this to her? Yes, you've guessed it, the husband she hadn't hit over the head with the copper frying pan.

No, seriously. This is not a funny story. It's quite (in fact very) serious. And it's happening to someone every single second of the day. Even someone you probably know.

And why was Beth feeling guilt? She was feeling guilty - again - because she hadn't lost any weight, even though she'd been doing all she could to do so. She followed EVERY diet he demanded she try. Poor Beth, not only her body was being abused by all these diets, but her emotions and mind were being abused too.

I asked Beth, "why do you put up with this bullying?" She answered me and said, "oh, no he never bullies me, he just tells me I should lose weight. And he's right you know. How can he love me if I'm fat?". You obviously see where I'm leading here? If not, then please read on.

"And then what does he threaten you with, Beth?" "Oh, no he doesn't threaten me". I said to Beth, "I'm not talking about physically threatening you Beth, I'm talking about inferring that he'll do things and they'll be all your fault". "Oh," she replied, "nothing much. Just that he gets embarrassed when he looks at me, or when I'm with him and that's why he never takes me out to any of his work functions. In fact he's told me not to visit his mother because she's embarrassed by me too. Oh yes," she went on, "he's made plans to go off on holidays in a fortnights time all by himself to have a bit of time to think about things because he says I'm sending him mad. In fact he says that if ever anything happens to him it will be my fault because I've made him ill."

This is much worse than I had at first thought. Beth can't see the wood for the trees, because what her husband is doing is nothing less than extreme bullying. He is belittling her; he is destroying what self-esteem she may have and he is trying to break her spirit. That bullying is then going deeper and becoming threats. And those threats that seem quite innocuous, will become more demanding and more dangerous as time goes on. I guess you think it doesn't sound so bad that he told Beth she was an embarrassment to him? Or to his mother, as well? But going into the area of making her "pay" or responsible for his future actions (that of going off on holidays by himself), he took the whole situation into one of "threat". Making her believe she was responsible for how he behaved or acted, is unfair and irresponsible.

You see, if Beth's husband was asked if he bullied or threatened Beth, he'd say no. Even though he knew he was doing these things. If he were asked why he bullied and threatened her, he'd say well, he didn't really mean it.

But that's a lie. He did mean it. He thought it, the words formed in his head. Those words then were expressed out of his mouth. He meant it, and there's no way he can deny it.

Beth's had this trouble with her husband for a number of years now. In fact since she got married, she confessed to me one time. She's been to counselling, she's followed most diet programmes honestly and stringently. But she hasn't lost weight. And she's blaming herself. She took on all the guilt and had told herself that it is because she's "fat". But this is another instance where the problem has been insidious and certainly not because of her weight or size.

Back in January Beth phoned me again. She sounded a bit lost and lonely, but there was something in her voice that told me she was in control. "I've left him, " she said. Just like that. I waited for her to say something else. "He arrived home from his holidays, walked in the door, sneered at me and said, "well hello hippo, you still here?" I looked at him, and I thought, why do I put up with this sort of treatment? I have as much right to being treated nicely as he has."

So Beth, who had already in her own mind, decided that she would do something extraordinary, went into the spare room, picked up her packed suit case, and said to her husband, "See you sometime. The carrier's coming in half an hour to pick up all my furniture and cartons, and you can get on with your own life." "And don't even think about doing any damage to any of my things. The carrier has done all the packing and they've got a complete list of everything. Oh, yes, you can pick up the car at the airport tomorrow." She said she'd never seen such a look of horror or surprise all rolled up in one.

Beth has gone interstate - she's even changed her surname. She is determined to shrug off the old, and take on the new. She doesn't diet, and she's made lots of new friends. One thing she wanted to tell me when she phoned me last night was this. "You told me so many times that if I didn't have all that emotional stress going on, that my body would find it's own size and weight. I've lost some weight, without even trying. It wasn't a lot, but it has certainly shown me that my body knows what is best for me, not a husband who tried to bully and threaten me into being and doing what he demanded all the time."

When people tell us they're only "suggesting" we should lose weight, and these suggestions go on and on, and then step into other areas of our lives, we've got to realise that this is bullying. So many women don't understand or recognise bullying for what it is.

Because bullying is not only something that happens when we're kids or at school - it can happen to us throughout our adult life. Be aware of what it is and confront it with confidence.