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First Impressions!

Louise B was told about Francesca, an Italian lady, living in the Hills area. Francesca holds special, simple and basic Italian cooking classes, for both men and women.

Louise imagined Francesca's lifestyle, basing it on what she heard about Francesca's home, the car she drove, and other "gossip" that made its way around the local community. Taking into account the number of classes she took in a year. Louise's mind concentrated on the financial benefits and the fact that Francesca must be "well off".

She enrolled for a class herself. Upon meeting Francesca she was amazed at the beauty that radiated from this lady, a woman in her 50s with grey hair and many stories to tell from her lovely face. Francesca is also a big woman, well aware of her size, and completely aware of her own "self". Being paralysed from the waist down and in wheelchair, navigating around her kitchen as though it were a simple matter, Francesca is a fully rounded and self-accepting woman. Louise's opinion of Francesca changed from being envious of her and her "money", into admiration for a woman who rose above any pain and discomfort, and made life enjoyable and pleasant for other people.

Louise gained insights into "first impressions" following that class. I think we all need to step back at times and analyse just what our thoughts and assumptions may be, and whether they are fair and balanced.

Plus-price for plus-size and Plus-sized jeans - plus-sized price?

Plus-sized clothing has been getting more than its fair share of press lately - and here's another piece of plus-sized news.

UK chain store New Look is under fire for charging £2 more for its range of plus-sized jeans (size 18 and above). The store explained its price rise, saying that while it normally absorbed the extra cost, occasionally it had to pass on the cost to consumers. The price increase echoes that of Marks and Spencer, another UK store, which last month agreed to waive a £2 surcharge for DD bras.

Our comments:

Let’s get things into perspective. Why do these retail/chain stores feel they have the right to charge women who are beyond a certain size range, more for their garments? I’ve heard every sort of excuse for more than a quarter of a century, and I still don’t believe them.

ALL women need clothes - the tiny slim and pert young woman KNOWS she can get all manner of garments to fit at low and reasonable prices, because of the huge turnover (claimed by retailers). The plus size has been persuaded over the years that she should pay extra. And she has paid extra for decade after decade. Yet the quality of her garment, the design and style of her garment, the colours available in her garments, and the workmanship of her garment is NOTHING in comparison to the young, hip, trendy and faddish garment.

Simple question. Why not amortise (the word is freely and loosely used, but you get the idea) the costs of designing and making up and retailing womens clothing across the whole size range? Use the best quality fabric; the best and flattering styles, and then charge the same price for the same/similar garment to all women, of all ages, and all shapes and sizes.

Don’t treat me, a plus sizer, as a person who must and should be discriminated against and charged extra because of who and what I am.

Would the commercial/retail world consider charging small and slim women an extra charge, because they’re too small? Let’s confront the issue, not hide behind all sorts of excuses. The world is made up of all kinds of shapes and sizes, and the sooner we come to terms with the fact that women’s fashion should be for ALL women (just as all women’s magazines should be for ALL women), then the sooner self-acceptance will become a fact of life.

The fashion industry and the media are playing games with us, and with our minds. They should be brought to task.

How do we see ourselves?

Look at yourself!

We do. Many times a day when passing a mirror or the reflections in shop windows. So often though we shy away from actually "looking" at ourselves because we fear being reminded that we are not exactly perfect or meet society's perception of what is ideal.

But if we are serious about changing attitudes, and perceptions, we have to make ourselves vulnerable to our own inspections. We have to expose our real personality and character from behind all those layers of protection we wear. Many of these layers are quite invisible and forgotten but have to be shed just as though they were fabric.

Next time you shower or bathe, take time out and actually look at yourself in the mirror. The whole you. Don't just look at the double chin, the drooping boobs, the fat sloppy tummy, the thick thighs, the bulging knees, and the thick ankles. Ankles? you ask - do I have any? Yes, they're there just as you have a waistline, and just as you have a decollete.

Take note of what you see. Thrust away any ideas of comparisons. In other words when you do look at yourself, don't see a fat and ungainly edition of Angelina Jolie or Nicole Kidman. See and appreciate the special limited edition of you! There is no other. You cannot be copied, or cloned. You are you, and you are unique. Even if you are a large, economy size!

And don't make excuses and don't feel guilty. Your body has a certain shape and size for very good reasons. Only one of those reasons MAY be because of the wrong diet or lack of moderation. We have to throw out these archaic ideas that just because we are taller, heavier, wider and broader than the so-called "ideal" women (who are after all in the main genetic freaks - not my words but womens clothing manufacturers. commentators and even some fashion writers), then it is because we over-eat. That's what we've been told for far too long, and unfortunately that's what we come to believe.

Stuff and nonsense! Let's get things into perspective. There are very good reasons why we sometimes eat food that is supposed to be bad for us. There are very good reasons why sometimes we eat too large meal or snack. But those reasons are not because we are undisciplined, it is because our body and yes our mind, tell us that this is the way we can handle situations, or people, and it gives us comfort combined with the incentive to move on from those particular situations and people. Psychologists give us all sorts of technical and chemical reasons, but we know what happens when we feel down, stressed, out of sorts, when we feel sad, and/or feel unloved or unappreciated. "Professional" people treat the chemical person, we live as a physical and spiritual person.

There's a lot of discussion recently about whether a fat person does in fact eat too much! This subject crops up every decade or so, and nothing ever changes in the attitudes of society or people who could make a difference in the public's perception and acceptance of the plus size (such as journalists, editors of women's magazines, as well as the fashion industry itself). And why don't things change? Because it's too darned easy to blame someone for their inappropriate attitude - they'd have to change policies within their industries and that wouldn't do. It wouldn't do at all! Because as a consequence they'd have to admit they were wrong.

Learn to like what you see. Let the female form be seen for what it is - it was created for procreation, and it was created for pleasure. Not lustful pleasure but personal pride. Something which is uniquely yours, and which you can enhance in so many wondrous ways - particularly if your imagination allows you the freedom to do so.

Taking control!

Focussing on "positive" and "feel-good" feelings means having to direct one's thoughts constantly from the negative. Because the negative comes upon us when least expected and can make for a very bad day.

Let's aspire to setting our own goals and dreams; choosing the path we want to follow. We don't have to follow the crowd; we don't have to be the same as everyone else; we don't have to look like everyone else and we can have fun in pursuing whatever it is we want to pursue (whether a career, a hob by, or even a man if that's the way you want to go!).

We have the choice to do things at our own pace and in our own space.

We don't have to make excuses; we don't have to accept feelings of guilt (gee, you have put on weight, haven't you?); we don't have to accept discrimination or indifference or ignorance or arrogance.

Plus-Size!

You and I have been told, and been made to believe, that we are what is commonly and rudely termed - “plus size”. What that means exactly no one has been able to satisfactorily explain to me in a rational and intelligent way - if you know, then please enlighten me.

Being “plus size” has meant, for me, that I have had to combat bad manners and inappropriate attitudes from other people, since my childhood. It remains so today. For to too many people "plus-size" means being out of control and fat. Look around you, you'll see plenty of plus-size women who are NOT fat. They are perfectly proportioned regardless of their size.

I’m told that discrimination is no longer legal or acceptable. however no one has told the legislators that discrimination based on size has not even been confronted let alone dispensed with. It may not be legal but it certainly is allowed.

And by whom? You name it. Manufacturers, designers and retailers of clothing. The media - and this includes newspapers, magazines, and publishers of books - how many novels have you read lately with a buxom plus size female as it’s heroine? Editors and features writers, television current affairs anchor people as well as journalists, television drams and sit-coms take delight in making fun or being objectionable to people who do not have the "ideal" figure or looks. If the "worm turned", and suddenly thin or skeletal was considered to be "unacceptable" you'd be deafened by the screams of those thinner women. Yet, we're expected to accept their inappropriate and bad behaviour without a murmur.

Then we come to health professionals. Many GPs are fast coming to the notion that patients are people, thank goodness, and that fat people are just as worthy of respect as smaller people with the same needs and wants. It hasn’t always been so. But when it comes to health sports clubs or fitness centres, then the only way they will look at you is if you are a potential client eager to lose weight. Try and tell them that all you want to do is get fit, not necessarily lose weight, and they’ll give you a horrified look. They really don’t want to know you. Yet you'd think they'd be eager for you to join their clubs in order to prove that being healthy and fit is desirous. But no, they "see" the size and looks of the plus-sizer, and make their own assumptions. The sooner health clubs have classes at which plus-sizers are not only welcomed but sought, the sooner we'll find opportunities to enjoy better fitness without having to go through embarrassing moments in the presence of smaller and more petite women.

As plus-sizers, we deserve the right to enjoy life and that includes fitness, without being harrassed into undergoing weight loss within that goal.

Dressing to suit your Figure!

Wrap dresses are terrific for women with round tummies. The draping is attractive and the wrap dress allows you to define your waistline - even if you thought you didn't have one!

While colours give a lot of variation, black or solid colours will always be stand-outs.

Has anyone seen any Wrap dresses for the plus-size here in Australia - I've been looking around for a while now and I can't find any - so far.

While talking about flattering styles, I thoroughly recommend the Marilyn Convertible dress from Monif C (USA). This garment allows you to change the styling in countless ways, and Monif even has a number of videos on YouTube showing various ways of wearing this particular dress.

Visit Monif C on www.monifc.com

The BOLD Shoulder is back!

Do you recall your mother saying, "what goes around comes around?" She wasn't necessarily talking about the washing machine. Most likely it was in relation to fashion.

Yes, fashion. That "thing" that the media and the fashion industry tell us we must obey and wear what they say, when they say, where they say and how they say. And like good little girls, we take notice and as often as not take their demands as "advice" and follow the rules they set down.

Well the latest news is going to please some of us, and dismay others. Because whether you want to believe it or not, the shoulder pad is back! With a vengeance. It's bigger than even back in the 80s- who can remember "Dynasty" and sultry Joan Collins with her wardrobe of magnificent obsessional clothes?

In my humble opinion excessive shoulder pads can make a slim woman look totally top heavy. Because with shoulders that are wider than her hips and thighs combined, she's more like to topple over than to carry herself with grace and ease. (With we plus sizers can do, with style and panache.)

Am I being critical? I guess so. But as a plus size woman, with plenty of amplitude, spread proportionately (and in some places a little disproportionately) over and around my body, I've always loved shoulder pads.

I find that shoulder pads (not the tiny little things that look like a cotton wool face freshener, but a decent sized, padded pad) lift the garment nicely so that my bosoms and cleavage are displayed with more curvature than just plonked on. I'm talking about the garment being plonked on, not the cleavage!

Seriously though, if you tend to read the women's magazines and features pages as well as the odd page of "Style" in your local weekend newspaper, look at which is shown on the catwalk, and then get out some photos of your Mum (or even yourself if you liked the shoulder pads back in the 80s) and get ahold of some magazines or even books from the library depicting fashion where shoulder pads were worn, and see for yourself the many benefits and advantages and enhancements that are available with the humble shoulder pad. Don't necessarily go overboard, but have fun!

Contradictions!

An article in the Melbourne Sun-Herald on May 20th was headed: Fat Patients Thrive

Gosh - I had to read that one. Most news items in the newspapers, magazines and television current affairs all deal with the fact that being "fat" is a bad thing. Here's one that goes against conventional advice.

I'll quote the article:

"Overweight heart attack victims should stay fat as they are more likely to live longer, say researchers. The controversial claim goes against conventional advice to patients that they should lose weight.

Evidence from a review in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology suggests being fat can be useful for heart patients.

"Obese patients with heart disease respond well to treatment and have paradoxically better outcomes and survival than thinner patients," said author Dr Carl Lavie, medical director of Cardiac Rehabilitation and Prevention at the Ochsner Medical Centre.

Dr Lavie said it was possible extra weight might help because patients had more reserves to fight disease."

.....© 20/5/2009, Melbourne Sun-Herald.

Reading - you never know what you'll learn

I love reading. Ever since I was a tiny tot. Before I could say the alphabet or knew what it meant, I would sit for hours looking at picture books (which were few and far between in those days - mostly handed down from cousins or other families) or the occasional "word" book. Even though I had no understanding that the dots on the page were actually words I would make up my own stories by turning over the pages like the grownups.

So I've grown up with books - they are my friends. Some I have had since childhood, others I've collected over the years.

You can gather from this therefore that I enjoy reading - a lot. I love the pictures that words conjure up in my mind. When I read I inhabit other worlds, both imaginary and real. I gain knowledge, I can easily fall in love with a hero or dislike intensely a rogue (even vice versa). I can laugh and I can cry.

At the moment I'm re-reading my series of Precious Ramotswe books. Written by Alexander McCall Smith who has a deep love and understanding of Botswana and it's people, Precious is a woman of our time. Independent, morally strong, valuing good manners, kindness, a love of her country (even though she recognises some faults in both the country and its people). Her intuition and instinctiveness to see behind untruths and pretenses reveals to us many of our own characteristics.

But what I love about Precious Ramotswe is her self-awareness. She is under no illusion that to be happy and to be a contented woman she has to be thin. Quite the opposite. She describes herself and is proud to be spoken of as being "traditionally built". She finds no reason to even think about her weight as a negative within her life. She is fat.

Let me quote from "Morality for Beautiful Girls".

"She finished her tea and then ate a large meat sandwich which Rose had prepared for her lunch. Mma Ramotswe had got out of the habit of a cooked lunch, except at weekends, and was happy with a snack or a glass of milk. She had a taste for sugar, however, and this meant that a doughnut or a cake might follow the sandwich.

She was a traditionally built lady, after all, and she did not have to worry about dress size, like those poor, neurotic people who were always looking in mirrors and thinking that they were too big. What was too big, anyway? Who was to tell another person what size they should be? It was a form of dictatorship, by the thin, and she was not having any of it. If these thin people became any more insistent, then the more generously sized people would just have to sit on them. Yes, that would teach them! Hah!"

I couldn't have said it better!

Bullying and Abuse!

THE KNIVES ARE OUT ...... and it’s not nice

The Sun-Herald, Melbourne, Australia has had some very controversial articles in recent days. One in particular dealt with the inappropriate and unacceptable statements made by the judges in the "Australia's Next Top Model" contest.

One judge has been forced to apologise for his caustic and scathing comments about some of the contestants. Judges are supposedly chosen as they represent the top of their field and experts in fashion and modelling. But these judges, and sadly they included two women, were hypocritical and discriminatory. Let's face it, plus sizers have been fighting this type of "bad" behaviour by people in the press and the fashion industry - now they're turning their attention and anger towards the young and hopeful models of the future. Quite apart from the girls who are receiving a lot of flak due to their being "too skinny" (one lass has a BMI of 15.1 and weighs 49 kg), these other girls are what we would loosely term "typical" and "average' if not "normal". But judges such as these on the show are our (women's) worst enemies and appear to think they are a law unto themselves. They take their arrogance and criticisms far beyond the bounds of decency.

Here are a view of the comments made about the model contestants:

(1) ‘‘I'm loving her. Slightly psycho, slightly beauty pageant-looking. OK, she's like a murderous beauty-pageant queen.''

(2) ‘‘Eyes slightly too close together and could knife you in the back - she's good.''

(3) ‘‘She's got no top lip. She's got a blockhead.''

(4) ‘‘She's the one you said looked like Frankenstein.''

(5) ‘‘She looks like a wild pig. What a lump - a moose.''

(6) ‘‘You may be a bogan, but don't be a bogan on this show.''

Comments of encouragement are occasionally directed at the contestants, but Melbourne psychologist Dr Janet Hall worries about the impact of put-downs. Hall believes the experience of being dismissed and immediately sent home from a reality show has the potential to leave contestants feeling ‘‘depressed, used and invalidated''.

‘‘They are making hostile judgments based on superficial visuals,'' Hall says of some of the judges' comments.

‘‘I spend my life as a psychologist trying to build people's self-esteem after they have been criticised about their looks by their peers and even their parents - fathers in particular.''

As I said, it’s not nice. We’ve had a overwhelming dose of this type of discrimination based on our plus size, and now younger women are being bullied in the same way. And there's supposed to be a law against discrimination relating to size - surely that means ALL sizes?

How to Live with Yourself

Trying to change the unchangeable leads only to misery

Every year sizeable fortunes are made by people who peddle impossible dreams to millions of over-optimistic individuals.

Whenever people buy an anti-aging face cream, a slimming food, or a breast developer, they are falling for the con trick that they can use a gimmick to improve their appearance. They can't, yet people still try, because they just don't stop to think about the realities of their situation.

Learning how to know yourself takes a long time and most of us don't achieve such understanding until we're well on in life. The basic skill in such self-understanding is sorting out the changeable from the unchangeable and then deciding whether you want to put yourself through the effort of making such changes.

We can think of four main areas where people need to assess themselves and their abilities. Once they've done that, they can decide whether they want to alter anything that is susceptible to correction and then settle down contentedly with what's left. The real self ...

Two of these areas are:

SIZE

This is the area where vast numbers of people suffer a great deal of unnecessary misery. We are all bombarded constantly by advice on how to be thin and there is a widespread notion that to be thin is to be right, and to be anything else is to be ugly or shameful. So people who are normal spend much of their time obsessed with their size.

We are all born with basically different constitutions. Some of us are programmed to have small breasts, heavy thighs, long torsos or blue eyes, and to see such people falling for the blandishments of 'spot reduction' diets or 'permanent weight loss' diets is distressing. Particularly when they don't work, otherwise the world would be filled with slim, trim, beautifully toned bodies, and the "diet industry" wouldn't be needed any more, and they'd go out of business!

The hard fact is that for some people the only way they can fit into what is currently regarded as a fashionable size is by self-starvation, which brings with it constant hunger and reduced health. Another possibility is cosmetic surgery, which is usually costly and sometimes risky. In fact riskier than the so-called marketers and peddlers within this industry will admit. And even after it is done, many people remain dissatisfied with the results.

There's nothing quite as sad as seeing people we know (whether personally, or through television or even film) to suddenly appear as though their skin is perfect without any blemish or sign or fine wrinkles. That's usually the first step because within a couple of years, looking at their photos or even face to face, we'll begin to doubt whether they are the same person we remember. Their faces take on a plastic, immovable look and many unfortunately begin to look less human. Have they gone under the knife for health or medical reasons? Or have they done this to protect and deny aging. Sadly many become victims of amusement among the ordinary every-day person's perspective of how a person should deal with wrinkles and greying hair associated with aging.

and AGING


So we come to aging. Age is inescapable - and why should or would we want to deny it anyway? Of course the alternative doesn't hold any attraction at all. There are many societies around the world where wrinkles are revered, not despised.

Yet we in the 'sophisticated' West seem to have the extraordinary notion that the only worthwhile people are aged 22 or so, and admitting to any birthday after the 29th is social suicide.

To use light makeup to enhance the face you have or wear attractive clothes to make you look as agreeable as you want to look is perfectly reasonable. But to mourn because you don't look the same as you did 20-30 years ago can be self-destructive - and expensive.


(Photo - copyright Dove) Full permission from "Accentuate the Positive - Now" -an address to High School Students and Size 16 Plus Groups, WA, 2002 ©RP-B Australia

Aging Outrageously! - Part II

Zuzu continues HER essay on "Aging Outrageously!"

"But wait a minute. Is it so hard to deal with all the changes that we see in the mirror, and feel in our body? Is it all impossible to overcome? Does it mean losing all sense of self and importance?

Even if alone, are there ways of getting back some sense of esteem and confidence. Can we see the silver lining in the dark clouds that block out our horizons?

Importantly, is there such a thing as “can’t do”?

I’m reminded time & time again of a little story we were told as children. The story of the little red train, trying to reach the top of the hill. She (I think of him as “she”), felt failure, she wasn’t sure of herself, she’d lost all confidence and thought she’d never, ever ever, reach the top. But something inside her told her that she had the capacity to do anything she wanted to do, or even that she had to do, if she really wanted to. Her sense of “can’t do” became “I can do”. I often use the words myself when self-doubt attacks me: “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. In fact I know I can” The more she thought about it, the more determined she became, until she actually huffed and puffed and pulled herself to the top of the hill.

We’re like that. There are times when we feel defeated. When we just “can’t” reach the top of the hill. When everything around us is negative. And even our inner thoughts about ourselves are negative and we can’t “see” that we have the power to turn the “can’t” into a “can do”.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Because it darn well isn’t. And it takes a lot of determination and mindset to turn the tide. Is it worth it in the long run? Definitely.

It means learning to “keep focus”. Focus on what’s important in the whole picture. You, and me, and our life, and how we see it and how we want to live it, for us as well as our family. No excuses to others who want to have a piece of us and who are determined that we don’t know best. No guilt feelings acquired from past experiences and carried through to “now”. No wasting time!

The here and now is what it’s about. YOURS and MINE. Here and now. We know we are accountable for our actions and our responsibilities to others. We also know that overcoming what seems to be insurmountable does more for our confidence than almost anything else. We KNOW that we’ll be a better person once we have overcome the negativity.

And the woman in the mirror will be grateful too. A new light will flash in her eyes; she will smile more often; she will let us see our “good” points more easily. She will enjoy herself, and in so doing, we’ll enjoy ourselves too!

Because to age gracefully & graciously is something we all aim for; to age outrageously is something we want to do and look forward to doing.

© 2009 Zuzu

Leonie Stevens: Having a Sensible Doctor!

The newspapers scream "women are TOO fat". Television current affairs night after night show women to be scraggly or plump, but always with camera angles that are derogatory and demeaning!

Inevitably the anchorwoman of the show is a young and healthy, beautiful and slim woman who has the added advantage of flattering and expensive clothing and her hair and makeup carefully applied by, I suspect, television station beauticians. Well, after all, she does represent the television station and programme as well as portraying what all women should look and dress like! Well, that's the inference anyway! I accept that point.

But I get angry when special stories are promoted highlighting excessive weight losses by women, to the detriment of those of us who can't lose the weight we're told we should do, in order that we too might be seen to be acceptable. There were years when I was an avid "dieter" but I quickly came to the conclusion that I am UNABLE to shed the kilos and keep them off, without going to utmost extremes.

As far as my Dr and various Specialists I've attended over the years tell me, I am doing myself untold physical and emotional damage each time I abuse my body by stressing it out with "diets" and exercise regimes which are entirely inappropriate.

Now I am not for one moment saying I don't believe in "sensible" eating or regular light exercise, I do and am very disciplined in this regard. But I'm referring to those attending a gym every day and having a personal trainer who will take me through the steps and ensure that I come out the other end, fit, slim, slender, sexy and the whole bit. But who can afford a personal trainer anyway?

So when my Dr sat me down the other day and gave me a good talking to, I sat up and took notice. (That's not a contradiction, I did sit down and I did sit up!)

Would you believe it? He talked about things like hereditary body shape, things like comfort foods especially as they relate to our childhood and early years and times when we need to recall the feelings of "comfort"; things like stress (either work related or relationship related!); and the fact that, wait for it, some foods react differently to others depending upon a lot of chemical and psychological things within any one person's body. He added that because of medications many women take, we must never assume that they're not having some effect on our bodies or even the food we eat, or vice versa.

What he said newly blew my mind. I thought to myself. "So this is why my best girl friend Helga can eat ANYTHING she likes, in WHATEVER quantity she likes, WHENEVER she likes, prepared and cooked in WHATEVER way she likes, without adding a gram of weight". Sometimes when Helga is in her "creative" mood (she's an artist and artists are allowed to behave any way they like!), she will snack ALL DAY!

I broke down and cried when my Dr explained this to me. But then he added, "it's not so much what you put in your mouth or how much you're putting in your mouth, but perhaps it's the food itself!".

I'd heard this said before. Because I belong to a group of professional ladies all with interests in self-esteem motivation and the like, this suggestion had been spoken about many times over the years. Even today though there's not much research into what is IN the food we're eating, so hearing my Dr put forward the same theory, made me realise there's got to be something in the notion.

I'm shocked to find even in my small research into the subject, that there are already many problems with genetically modified foods; foods that have preservatives and additives, chemicals and colourings; and the unexplained dramatic increase in allergies, even in small children. There are too many excuses being made in this regard obviously by people who have a vested interest in the whole concept, but with no-one giving reliable and honest reasons or answers.

But I've learned a valuable lesson. My curves are ME! They are bigger than some, and smaller than others. But my curves are NOT to be seen as evidence that I am out of control in any way. They merely show that I am fully-rounded like any self-respecting intelligent woman should be!

The fact that my partner sees my body as "pleasing" to him and who has NEVER caused me to think about my size, should have assured me, I know. But it took a caring Dr who took a few extra minutes of his time to explain things so that I could understand, from a medical standpoint, that have made me realise I had fallen into the habit of not reinforcing my own self-worth, but rather had been putting myself down!

No more.

© Leonie Stevens, 2009

Aging Outrageously! Another look at wrinkles! Part One

Following yesterday's blog, Zuzu has a few words she'd like to say, about aging. Zuzu only having a few words to say? What a laugh - she's usually got a lot to say, but we have to admit what she says makes a lot of sense!

It’s all in the mind dear, all in the mind!

Whether it’s “positive thinking” or determination, or a matter of downright stubbornness, there’s a lot to be said for living life outrageously, especially as we grow older!

Keeping focus

Let’s start off with the obvious. A woman goes through many phases as she grows from childhood through to a teenager, an adult and then an older woman. These changes influence & impact upon her life at all those particular points in time and travel with her into the future, sometimes bringing with them emotional reminders, both good and bad. These she either confronts & deals with or carries as baggage.

But for the majority of us all the “seasons” of womanhood are exciting, filled with promise and challenges plus a few pitfalls which we manage to struggle through and rise above when it’s difficult but which we mainly sail happily through.

Then one day the face in the mirror that looks back at us, is unrecognisable. Life-experience, joys, hardship, worry, anxiety, the ups and downs of surviving in a world that may present hurdles and difficulties, show in our face and in our body. Gravity wears away at our looks and figures, and for some reason our mind undergoes a similar change. Not always for the better I might add. Yet it forms the opinion that the person in the mirror no longer deserves to be pampered or bothered about. Even as far as saying that the person no longer deserves respect.

With that decision, many subtle and not so subtle changes become habit. We take less care of our complexion, our hair, our hands and feet. We take less trouble in choosing clothing. Anything that fits (whether it suits us or not) will do! Many women even give up on their favourite past-times or leisure pursuits including hobbies, and “retire”. When I think about it (and I decided not to think about it too often a long time ago), “retire” is such a negative word! It’s really not worth my attention, because by definition it means, to sit in a corner and rusticate! Isn’t it better to “rest” when we need to, and to bustle around doing things when we decide to?

As so often happens when a woman “retires” she loses her sense of being important, if not to others, then quite often to herself. Silly, isn’t it?

And what also happens is that women no longer see themselves as intelligent, articulate women deserving of having their opinions heard and respected. We also forget, far TOO often, that we are still sensual beings.

Is it wrong for us to “want” to wear makeup, to dress nicely, do things we want to do, go where we want to go, travel, undertake courses at TAFE or university? Even buy a new car, leave a failed and/or broken relationship, especially if that relationship has become violent and uncaring. Even, dare I say it, take a lover? Don’t get me wrong - I have strong principles and ethics that direct my personal standards, but life is short, and it needs to be treated with the utmost respect, humility and affection.

Affection for life? Of course. It’s a wonderful and unique thing - life. You can’t make it, you can’t copy it, you can’t replace it. It’s a gift to you and I believe, passionately, that because it is a gift, it should be treated with gentleness and total and unconditional love and respect.

In my travels and dealings with women I have come to the conclusion that most older women (of course there are exceptions to the rule) have during most of the seasons of their life, given to others excessively even to the point of sacrifice and neglect to themselves and their personal needs (of time, money, opportunities and lots of other things).

Now this is not an un-natural or unusual occurrence. As a child we defer to our parents and honor them for being who and what they are. Whether we like them (as well as love them) is sometimes debatable, but ........ As a growing teenager, we suddenly discover we can do lots of things outside of our parents rule-book (whether they know about it or not is another matter!), but we grow and learn and discover lots of new things, and sensations. As an adult we can quite often find ourselves responsible for other people, including parents, children, other family members, indeed even friends. We take on all these responsibilities with sensitivity and regard them as being privileges.

Then one morning we wake up, and life has changed - drastically and dramatically for us. Our children (those of us who have them, bless their little hearts) have moved out, married and started their own families; our parents may have an even greater need of our attention and our love and care (and even though we get tired at the end of the day, we really wouldn’t have it any other way, because the alternative is too horrid to think about!); our partners may need not only more emotional care and support but also physical; and friends have a far greater need and call upon us to offer the shoulder more often plus a few tissues to help them through all of what’s going on with their lives.

Some of us even find that what we thought was “firm” and long-standing, no longer is. Financial circumstances can set off all sorts of alarm bells in our feelings of independence and security. Health problems rear their nasty little heads and cause us lots of sleepless nights. Marriages or relationships break down and so often we find we are beset with all sorts of problems never before imagined. We may find ourselves adrift without any support or encouragement from those people who are supposed to care - even family and friends. We may face the prospect of having to fight battles without the energy or resilience of youth. We set out to do what we must do because we’ve fought these same battles time and time again throughout our younger years. A case of deja vu. But now we’re older, and we’re much more tired.

Then the “woman in the mirror” tells us we’re no longer important. We’ve let ourselves go; we’ve lost whatever attraction we may have had, and we’re in a heap. Lines show in our face; our hair is thin and grey; our figure - well! Gravity has had a grand time, hasn’t it? So we’re worn out - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

TGBTG

Aging Outrageously!

I'm a "late bloomer". It's taken me more than half a century to realise I'm a delightful, delicious, sensual and sexy woman. The fact that I'm plus size, and the fact that I'm growing older, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with who I am, what I am, what I can become, my abilities, my capabilities, my strengths.

You see I grew up in an era where little girls were supposed to sit in a corner, to be quiet, and not to be loud or noisy, or a nuisance, or in fact to be anything other than a little mouse. I didn't always see "why" I should be like this, but I didn't dare open my mouth and question things.

Maybe I should have. Because there were lots of things that I needed to know. That I should have been taught and had explained to me. I grew up with much innocence, and with many thousands of other little girls, grew up in strict households, and didn't see anything wrong with that. Because we were all in the same situation.

So I think I was most fortunate in falling into a lot of deep holes as I grew up. Others did, and many never did scramble up out of those holes. Innocence can so easily so mistaken for ignorance, and ignorance can be disastrous if it occurs in changing of influencing a young girls life.

With never ending encouragement from my mother, and I see now much protection (from the world and what was in it) I soon came to the conclusion that I could do something with my life, if I applied myself, if I worked hard and smart, and never lost my focus. If I was always kind and sensitive to other people's feelings and listened to other people's opinions, but there was to be no yielding if I felt they were wrong. Yes, there were times when I told myself I would never get to where I wanted, and then the stubbornness would set in, and I'd push myself beyond what I thought were my limits. This worked so many times, that it became second nature.

This knowledge and experience I soon found could be shared. Women wanted to know HOW to achieve self confidence, HOW to bring about changes in their attitudes towards themselves, and HOW to live contented, although at times difficult, lives. It opened up yet another challenge for me in being able to share what I knew, what I had learned, and many of the hints and strategies that had helped and protected me during my growing up and maturing years.

You might think that I've become conceited in my older age. Not so. I've become more aware of myself. I've become confident. I've become my own "advocate" riding a white charger to fiercely take on anyone who does me wrong. I've become more pleased with how I think and how I live and how I act and interact with other people. I'm spontaneous but I'm genuine.

And I've met thousands of women just like me. Ordinary everyday women who because of many different circumstances never found the opportunity to discover themselves. Not until they were greying, and becoming wrinkled. And the liberation from feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not intelligent enough" were life-changing.

We don't have to stay in the cocoon of self-doubt; we don't have to believe everything that people say about us to us and to outsiders; we are articulate, intelligent, unique human beings. We're able to feel secure in the knowledge that we know what is best, for us, without any interference from well-meaning but so often very wrong intentions of others. We don't tolerate inappropriate behaviours or attitudes. We know what's what, and we know what we need.

So if that means aging outrageously, because we have the audacity of saying what we think, and explaining what we need, then so be it.

It's a great adventure.

© Rose Davida, UK

The Way We Were!

Models and actresses in the 1950s and 1960s were, in the main, curvy and even voluptuous.

Even women sighed with a little touch of envy when Sophia Loren, Anna Magnani, Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell and Gina Lollobrigida graced the cinema screen. The men, of course, were almost panting and fainting with imaginations!

Busts were "in", bottoms were "in", hips were "in". Graceful figures, graceful women.

Even though we, as young women of the time knew that we would never, but never, meet the same "perfection" as we saw it expressed in these lovely women, we did however manager to feel like real women ourselves, because our figures were full, and rounded and curvaceous. It was a pleasure to dress our bodies, and if we didn't have the wardrobes of the current stars of the screen, then that didn't really upset us too much.

Of course there were always those people around us who made fun of us, who subjected us to ridicule, but on the whole we were satisfied were ourselves.

But then strange things started happening. All of a sudden it wasn't alright to have a bit of flesh, it wasn't OK to have big bosums and as far as hips and tummy were concerned, then we really missed the boat. We were no longer seen as being "feminine" let alone womanly. But did you notice that the those screen stars didn't adapt themselves to meet the media's demands? How often did we see (and still do) photos in our international women's magazines with rude and abusive texts devoted to decrying their expression of "womanhood" of Elizabeth Taylor, Liza Minelli, and dare I say it, if Marilyn Monroe were alive today, then she surely would be subjected to a tirade of ridicule and abuse. Let's look more recently and see how the media demanded that Kate Winslet and Drew Barrymore transform themselves.

And why? Because these women (and us too) have had the audacity and temerity to change shape and size over the years without their permission!

Without being biased and discriminatory about women who are naturally slim, even skinny, I wonder how it is that society as a whole has become so obsessed with not only shouting "down with curves", but actually denigrating and demeaning the plus size of this world? How have we allowed this to happen?

The media, and the fashion industry, I believe have a lot to answer for. Designers refuse to create flattering garments for women with curves and width; retailers and boutiques may carry a token number of garments for larger sizes, but nothing of any great value or quality. Yet the media particularly refuses to accept any blame for the lowering of self-esteem of their readers, girls, teens, young and older women. Having photos of garish, skeletal models strutting down the catwalks with scowls and glaring eyes, in garments that hardly seem to be holding together, does nothing for the real woman who wants clothing to make her look attractive. And for her to feel good when she is wearing those garments.

If today's media wants to carry on its "war against women" (that that's what it is if you think about it, because slim women are influenced as well), then let it go ahead. But don't for one minute imagine that the larger women of Australia and for that matter the smaller women too, are going to put up with it much longer. I can almost hear my counterparts in the USA and Europe saying: Neither are we!

Let me put this proposition to you. Women's magazines are supposedly for women - right? All women - right? Women of all ages - right? Women of all shapes and sizes - right. No. WRONG! Having a special page supplement of "what to wear when you're fat" is not the way to treat the plus size woman, and we should never have to feel "grateful" for such a supplement.

Women need "positive" pictures and photos; "positive" messages and "positive stories" about women who are women. Just like us, you and me. We don't need the so-called "experts" who don't really know what they are talking about, telling us that unless we're size 6-8 then we're not photogenic and certainly we should never expect to be taken seriously, about anything!

Editors, journalists, features writers, photographers, advertisers and the like need to know that they are displaying blatant discrimination in its rudest form, and it's about time they realised that there is no room for that sort of attitude today.

Let's go ahead, you and me, and the women in your family and groups of friends, and the woman next door, with ATTITUDE! No matter what our age, size or shape.

Beyond the Curve - FAT in a thin society ... Part II

At a time when we're increasingly sensitive about insulting other minorities, fat people are still fair game.

In the real world (our world) it seems that it's OK to discriminate against the fat (even though we are told that "discrimination is now illegal - oh, yes? just who is kidding who?)

Studies in USA, Europe and Australia have found that fat people earn less money than others. They are less likely to be hired or promoted. They routinely face ridicule from their doctors and health facilitators (still!)

We've invested weight with so many meanings
that numbers on the scale have become a shorthand for self-worth.

We're told that:

"slenderness is not just beautiful - it proclaims that you;re feminine, self-disciplined, well-adjusted and sexy" "fat, on the other hand, reveals that you're sloppy and self-indulgent, out of control and out of the running as a sexual being"

It's a disastrous combination. Our ideal of thinness is unrealistic for most of the population, yet we all buy the idea that there's something seriously wrong with us if we deviate from it.

There is however, another value that we attach to overweight that may be even more powerful than a sense of sin. We see fat as "low-class". Our culture equates slenderness with sexiness and even intelligence.

And who, in the main, keeps this body myth alive? Women, yes women. There seems to be a clear connection between the gains women have made in the outside world - bringing confusing and conflicting choices about roles - and our growing hysteria about our own bodies. It's as if keeping the body on a tight rein, or not letting our lapses show, is a way of re-assuring ourselves and the world that our desires aren't voracious, that our needs aren't bottomless, that despite our own uncertainty, we are in control.

However, it's not enough to understand this obsession intellectually. The battle for self acceptance involved unlearning a lot of entrenched ideas. It also involves a lot of pain.

If you've spent most of your life starving yourself without success, it hurts to recognise that all that deprivation was a waste.

That's why a lot of women cling to the promise that thin equals happy. In many cases they want dieting to be a magical way of becoming another person.

It takes great courage to accept yourself in a world that values thinness above all else. The miracle is, that some people manage it.

You can too. If that's really what you want to do.

© Rose Davida, UK

Beyond the Curve - FAT in a thin society ... Part I

Whether we like it or not society says, "if you're thin then you're sexy, self-disciplined and well-adjusted". On the other hand, "if you're fat, then you're out of control, sloppy and self-indulgent".

Let's confront this issue full on, and blast the myths dealing with size and our acceptance by society based on that size, out of the window, right now!

At least 50% of all women are obsessed with a real or imaginary 5-7-1/2 kilos of fat. For a woman who knows she is 20 kilos overweight if not more, then this can become not just an obsession but despair. But in many cases, they're the only ones who can even see that extra weight over and above what they think they should look like. Yet it can keep them from buying clothes, going for a swim, doing anything physical. An inner voice tells them they have to wait until they're thinner.

Women in past years have spent hours debating the "fors" and "againsts" the Scarsdale diet, the Atkins diet, appetite suppressants, carbohydrate diets, grapefruit diets, egg diets, the water, the pasta diets, the Israeli diet, the Mediterranean diet, and even the beer diet. Now we seem to be going through another tunnel of discovery (or denial,whichever) in that many women take pains to explain that they are no longer "hung-up" about weight, size and shape and that they've come to accept themselves as they are. And yet, these women are seen to be popping the latest "diet" shake or nibbling the diet-cracker and attending the gym for fast-loss fitness, or visiting weight-loss "weekends away" at health farms and resorts, including B&B's right around Australia (not to mention Europe and the USA).

In many ways our obsession with thinness has never made less sense than it does today. We know now that body weight has as much to do with heredity as willpower, that permanent weight loss is far more complicated than we once believed. We've learned that the old standards for our ideal weights were set unrealistically low and we know that the starvation diets of the past are counter productive and potentially dangerous.

But for many of us, the message hasn't sunk in. There seems to be a huge gap between what we know in our minds and how we actually feel about ourselves.

Believe it or not, but our preference for almost fleshless bodies is fairly rare in historical and cultural terms. Even in the recent past, large breasts and flaring hips padded with flesh were seem to be acceptable if not preferable. The Hollywood icon Marilyn Monroe would be considered fat and overweight today, yet she was seen to be the symbol of sensual and seductiveness in the mid 60s (and to some of us she remains that way). In no way can you compare her curves with today's models and actresses.

Plump women are prized in countries like Sierra Leone and many of the Pacific Islands. Chunky matrons carry themselves with a jaunty confidence in their own worth and desirability. On the other hand, today we regard fat with horror, similar to the attitude held by the Victorians in relation to "sex".

© Rose Davida, UK

Today is Easter Sunday

To all my Christian friends, I wish them all a very Happy Easter Day.

To all my friends from other faiths (and no faiths), I wish them all a safe, and fulfilling Easter Day.