How to Live with Yourself

Trying to change the unchangeable leads only to misery

Every year sizeable fortunes are made by people who peddle impossible dreams to millions of over-optimistic individuals.

Whenever people buy an anti-aging face cream, a slimming food, or a breast developer, they are falling for the con trick that they can use a gimmick to improve their appearance. They can't, yet people still try, because they just don't stop to think about the realities of their situation.

Learning how to know yourself takes a long time and most of us don't achieve such understanding until we're well on in life. The basic skill in such self-understanding is sorting out the changeable from the unchangeable and then deciding whether you want to put yourself through the effort of making such changes.

We can think of four main areas where people need to assess themselves and their abilities. Once they've done that, they can decide whether they want to alter anything that is susceptible to correction and then settle down contentedly with what's left. The real self ...

Two of these areas are:

SIZE

This is the area where vast numbers of people suffer a great deal of unnecessary misery. We are all bombarded constantly by advice on how to be thin and there is a widespread notion that to be thin is to be right, and to be anything else is to be ugly or shameful. So people who are normal spend much of their time obsessed with their size.

We are all born with basically different constitutions. Some of us are programmed to have small breasts, heavy thighs, long torsos or blue eyes, and to see such people falling for the blandishments of 'spot reduction' diets or 'permanent weight loss' diets is distressing. Particularly when they don't work, otherwise the world would be filled with slim, trim, beautifully toned bodies, and the "diet industry" wouldn't be needed any more, and they'd go out of business!

The hard fact is that for some people the only way they can fit into what is currently regarded as a fashionable size is by self-starvation, which brings with it constant hunger and reduced health. Another possibility is cosmetic surgery, which is usually costly and sometimes risky. In fact riskier than the so-called marketers and peddlers within this industry will admit. And even after it is done, many people remain dissatisfied with the results.

There's nothing quite as sad as seeing people we know (whether personally, or through television or even film) to suddenly appear as though their skin is perfect without any blemish or sign or fine wrinkles. That's usually the first step because within a couple of years, looking at their photos or even face to face, we'll begin to doubt whether they are the same person we remember. Their faces take on a plastic, immovable look and many unfortunately begin to look less human. Have they gone under the knife for health or medical reasons? Or have they done this to protect and deny aging. Sadly many become victims of amusement among the ordinary every-day person's perspective of how a person should deal with wrinkles and greying hair associated with aging.

and AGING


So we come to aging. Age is inescapable - and why should or would we want to deny it anyway? Of course the alternative doesn't hold any attraction at all. There are many societies around the world where wrinkles are revered, not despised.

Yet we in the 'sophisticated' West seem to have the extraordinary notion that the only worthwhile people are aged 22 or so, and admitting to any birthday after the 29th is social suicide.

To use light makeup to enhance the face you have or wear attractive clothes to make you look as agreeable as you want to look is perfectly reasonable. But to mourn because you don't look the same as you did 20-30 years ago can be self-destructive - and expensive.


(Photo - copyright Dove) Full permission from "Accentuate the Positive - Now" -an address to High School Students and Size 16 Plus Groups, WA, 2002 ©RP-B Australia

Aging Outrageously! - Part II

Zuzu continues HER essay on "Aging Outrageously!"

"But wait a minute. Is it so hard to deal with all the changes that we see in the mirror, and feel in our body? Is it all impossible to overcome? Does it mean losing all sense of self and importance?

Even if alone, are there ways of getting back some sense of esteem and confidence. Can we see the silver lining in the dark clouds that block out our horizons?

Importantly, is there such a thing as “can’t do”?

I’m reminded time & time again of a little story we were told as children. The story of the little red train, trying to reach the top of the hill. She (I think of him as “she”), felt failure, she wasn’t sure of herself, she’d lost all confidence and thought she’d never, ever ever, reach the top. But something inside her told her that she had the capacity to do anything she wanted to do, or even that she had to do, if she really wanted to. Her sense of “can’t do” became “I can do”. I often use the words myself when self-doubt attacks me: “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. In fact I know I can” The more she thought about it, the more determined she became, until she actually huffed and puffed and pulled herself to the top of the hill.

We’re like that. There are times when we feel defeated. When we just “can’t” reach the top of the hill. When everything around us is negative. And even our inner thoughts about ourselves are negative and we can’t “see” that we have the power to turn the “can’t” into a “can do”.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Because it darn well isn’t. And it takes a lot of determination and mindset to turn the tide. Is it worth it in the long run? Definitely.

It means learning to “keep focus”. Focus on what’s important in the whole picture. You, and me, and our life, and how we see it and how we want to live it, for us as well as our family. No excuses to others who want to have a piece of us and who are determined that we don’t know best. No guilt feelings acquired from past experiences and carried through to “now”. No wasting time!

The here and now is what it’s about. YOURS and MINE. Here and now. We know we are accountable for our actions and our responsibilities to others. We also know that overcoming what seems to be insurmountable does more for our confidence than almost anything else. We KNOW that we’ll be a better person once we have overcome the negativity.

And the woman in the mirror will be grateful too. A new light will flash in her eyes; she will smile more often; she will let us see our “good” points more easily. She will enjoy herself, and in so doing, we’ll enjoy ourselves too!

Because to age gracefully & graciously is something we all aim for; to age outrageously is something we want to do and look forward to doing.

© 2009 Zuzu

Aging Outrageously! Another look at wrinkles! Part One

Following yesterday's blog, Zuzu has a few words she'd like to say, about aging. Zuzu only having a few words to say? What a laugh - she's usually got a lot to say, but we have to admit what she says makes a lot of sense!

It’s all in the mind dear, all in the mind!

Whether it’s “positive thinking” or determination, or a matter of downright stubbornness, there’s a lot to be said for living life outrageously, especially as we grow older!

Keeping focus

Let’s start off with the obvious. A woman goes through many phases as she grows from childhood through to a teenager, an adult and then an older woman. These changes influence & impact upon her life at all those particular points in time and travel with her into the future, sometimes bringing with them emotional reminders, both good and bad. These she either confronts & deals with or carries as baggage.

But for the majority of us all the “seasons” of womanhood are exciting, filled with promise and challenges plus a few pitfalls which we manage to struggle through and rise above when it’s difficult but which we mainly sail happily through.

Then one day the face in the mirror that looks back at us, is unrecognisable. Life-experience, joys, hardship, worry, anxiety, the ups and downs of surviving in a world that may present hurdles and difficulties, show in our face and in our body. Gravity wears away at our looks and figures, and for some reason our mind undergoes a similar change. Not always for the better I might add. Yet it forms the opinion that the person in the mirror no longer deserves to be pampered or bothered about. Even as far as saying that the person no longer deserves respect.

With that decision, many subtle and not so subtle changes become habit. We take less care of our complexion, our hair, our hands and feet. We take less trouble in choosing clothing. Anything that fits (whether it suits us or not) will do! Many women even give up on their favourite past-times or leisure pursuits including hobbies, and “retire”. When I think about it (and I decided not to think about it too often a long time ago), “retire” is such a negative word! It’s really not worth my attention, because by definition it means, to sit in a corner and rusticate! Isn’t it better to “rest” when we need to, and to bustle around doing things when we decide to?

As so often happens when a woman “retires” she loses her sense of being important, if not to others, then quite often to herself. Silly, isn’t it?

And what also happens is that women no longer see themselves as intelligent, articulate women deserving of having their opinions heard and respected. We also forget, far TOO often, that we are still sensual beings.

Is it wrong for us to “want” to wear makeup, to dress nicely, do things we want to do, go where we want to go, travel, undertake courses at TAFE or university? Even buy a new car, leave a failed and/or broken relationship, especially if that relationship has become violent and uncaring. Even, dare I say it, take a lover? Don’t get me wrong - I have strong principles and ethics that direct my personal standards, but life is short, and it needs to be treated with the utmost respect, humility and affection.

Affection for life? Of course. It’s a wonderful and unique thing - life. You can’t make it, you can’t copy it, you can’t replace it. It’s a gift to you and I believe, passionately, that because it is a gift, it should be treated with gentleness and total and unconditional love and respect.

In my travels and dealings with women I have come to the conclusion that most older women (of course there are exceptions to the rule) have during most of the seasons of their life, given to others excessively even to the point of sacrifice and neglect to themselves and their personal needs (of time, money, opportunities and lots of other things).

Now this is not an un-natural or unusual occurrence. As a child we defer to our parents and honor them for being who and what they are. Whether we like them (as well as love them) is sometimes debatable, but ........ As a growing teenager, we suddenly discover we can do lots of things outside of our parents rule-book (whether they know about it or not is another matter!), but we grow and learn and discover lots of new things, and sensations. As an adult we can quite often find ourselves responsible for other people, including parents, children, other family members, indeed even friends. We take on all these responsibilities with sensitivity and regard them as being privileges.

Then one morning we wake up, and life has changed - drastically and dramatically for us. Our children (those of us who have them, bless their little hearts) have moved out, married and started their own families; our parents may have an even greater need of our attention and our love and care (and even though we get tired at the end of the day, we really wouldn’t have it any other way, because the alternative is too horrid to think about!); our partners may need not only more emotional care and support but also physical; and friends have a far greater need and call upon us to offer the shoulder more often plus a few tissues to help them through all of what’s going on with their lives.

Some of us even find that what we thought was “firm” and long-standing, no longer is. Financial circumstances can set off all sorts of alarm bells in our feelings of independence and security. Health problems rear their nasty little heads and cause us lots of sleepless nights. Marriages or relationships break down and so often we find we are beset with all sorts of problems never before imagined. We may find ourselves adrift without any support or encouragement from those people who are supposed to care - even family and friends. We may face the prospect of having to fight battles without the energy or resilience of youth. We set out to do what we must do because we’ve fought these same battles time and time again throughout our younger years. A case of deja vu. But now we’re older, and we’re much more tired.

Then the “woman in the mirror” tells us we’re no longer important. We’ve let ourselves go; we’ve lost whatever attraction we may have had, and we’re in a heap. Lines show in our face; our hair is thin and grey; our figure - well! Gravity has had a grand time, hasn’t it? So we’re worn out - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

TGBTG

Aging Outrageously!

I'm a "late bloomer". It's taken me more than half a century to realise I'm a delightful, delicious, sensual and sexy woman. The fact that I'm plus size, and the fact that I'm growing older, has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with who I am, what I am, what I can become, my abilities, my capabilities, my strengths.

You see I grew up in an era where little girls were supposed to sit in a corner, to be quiet, and not to be loud or noisy, or a nuisance, or in fact to be anything other than a little mouse. I didn't always see "why" I should be like this, but I didn't dare open my mouth and question things.

Maybe I should have. Because there were lots of things that I needed to know. That I should have been taught and had explained to me. I grew up with much innocence, and with many thousands of other little girls, grew up in strict households, and didn't see anything wrong with that. Because we were all in the same situation.

So I think I was most fortunate in falling into a lot of deep holes as I grew up. Others did, and many never did scramble up out of those holes. Innocence can so easily so mistaken for ignorance, and ignorance can be disastrous if it occurs in changing of influencing a young girls life.

With never ending encouragement from my mother, and I see now much protection (from the world and what was in it) I soon came to the conclusion that I could do something with my life, if I applied myself, if I worked hard and smart, and never lost my focus. If I was always kind and sensitive to other people's feelings and listened to other people's opinions, but there was to be no yielding if I felt they were wrong. Yes, there were times when I told myself I would never get to where I wanted, and then the stubbornness would set in, and I'd push myself beyond what I thought were my limits. This worked so many times, that it became second nature.

This knowledge and experience I soon found could be shared. Women wanted to know HOW to achieve self confidence, HOW to bring about changes in their attitudes towards themselves, and HOW to live contented, although at times difficult, lives. It opened up yet another challenge for me in being able to share what I knew, what I had learned, and many of the hints and strategies that had helped and protected me during my growing up and maturing years.

You might think that I've become conceited in my older age. Not so. I've become more aware of myself. I've become confident. I've become my own "advocate" riding a white charger to fiercely take on anyone who does me wrong. I've become more pleased with how I think and how I live and how I act and interact with other people. I'm spontaneous but I'm genuine.

And I've met thousands of women just like me. Ordinary everyday women who because of many different circumstances never found the opportunity to discover themselves. Not until they were greying, and becoming wrinkled. And the liberation from feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not intelligent enough" were life-changing.

We don't have to stay in the cocoon of self-doubt; we don't have to believe everything that people say about us to us and to outsiders; we are articulate, intelligent, unique human beings. We're able to feel secure in the knowledge that we know what is best, for us, without any interference from well-meaning but so often very wrong intentions of others. We don't tolerate inappropriate behaviours or attitudes. We know what's what, and we know what we need.

So if that means aging outrageously, because we have the audacity of saying what we think, and explaining what we need, then so be it.

It's a great adventure.

© Rose Davida, UK

Want to stay "young at heart"?

I've got a file full of newspaper cuttings and bits 'n pieces, collected over - well, let's say a few decades. I don't have the heart to take them out of the filing cabinet and throw them away. I'm one of those people who keep things "just in case". I tell myself that they'll come in handy, but who am I really kidding?

But girls, I found this list of suggestions, and decided I had to share it with you. I hope you're not becoming bored with "motivational" suggestions on how to enjoy your life, but I take the attitude that there is nothing boring in or with life. If a person is bored, it is because they are boring!! And it does us good to be reminded about some of the more simple but meaningful things about life.

1. Throw out non-essential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why we "pay" them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches only pull you down. And if you're nice and round and tubby like me, you'll have difficulty in getting back up if you're pull down to the ground, so why bother with them?

3. Keep leearning. Learn more about the computer (I admit I have heaps to learn in this department); crafts (keeps the little grey cells working); gardening, whatever. Never let the brain be idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop". And the devil's name is Alzheimers!

4. Enjoy the simple things. Even a nice glass of water.

5. Laugh often, long and loud until you gasp for breath.

6. Tears happen. Endure, grieve and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourself. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. Whatever, treat it and your body with respect.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even interstate, another country, but NOT where guilt is.

10. Tell people that you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

LIFE IS NOT MEASURED BY THE NUMBER OF BREATHS WE TAKE,
BUT BY THE MOMENTS THAT TAKE OUR BREATH AWAY.

A few simple things!

Let's start off right.

1. Remember compliments and forget insults

2. Enjoy your body

3. Dance (even allowing for arthritis, you can sway to the music!)

4. Don't read beauty magazines - they'll only make you feel frustrated. Recognise and realise they've all been digitally enhanced anyway! Whereas you're beautiful as you are, right now!

5. The older you get, keep your old friends

6. But keep a watch out for new friends - they can arrive, unexpectedly

7. Don't mess too much with your hair.

That's all for today, girls.

A personal "Can Do" List

1. I will let go of "negative" labels, such as lazy or bad or clumsy, that I have used to describe myself these long years, recognising that labels are inaccurate and destructive and that they stifle growth.

2. I will nurture myself by giving approving, reassuring messages to myself about me. I will be a friend to myself and offer myself the same understand I would offer to another in my place

3. I will release others from the responsibility of making me happy. I take the initiative to get what I need rather than waiting and hoping that somehow what I need will be brought to me by someone else.

4. I will share the vulnerable parts of myself with those I love.

5. I choose to be happy NOW - to celebrate all the small pleasures of life as they occur - instead of putting happiness off until I lose weight, get married (or divorced), make my first million, move house and so on.

6. I will expect that I will incur the disapproval of others. I recognise there is no way I can please all the people all the time.

7. I realise that some of my greatest learning has come from the mistakes I have made.

8. I embrace the position that I am an intrinsically valuable human being. I am a worthy person simply because I am.

......© 1991-2009 RoseMarys NoteBook - Australia. (By permission of the author.)

What are we eating?

There's been two aspects of food running in the news lately. One is that so much is being imported - take for instance small brand-name crackers, made in China. What about dried fruits (which used to be one of our proud products)? Even our garlic is imported from China for goodness sake! Fish in the supermarkets labelled "fresh", but I ask you, are we so stupid to believe their word "fresh" especially when the label then says, "imported from Korea"? Who's kidding who?

Look at any food stuffs and it's difficult to work out where the food (whether processed or not) is grown and packed. Why are so many labelled with the words, "made from local and imported ingredients", but nowhere does it tell you what is local and what is "imported"!. In fact even the suppliers can't tell you - or won't! But why when a country had so many successful manufacturing companies of every food imaginable, does it see fit to allow those companies to die or become part of overseas empires, and to rely on imported foods? Yet another great Australian company passed into the hands of foreign investment only this week. There can't be too many left which are dinky di Aussies! In fact I'd be surprised if many people know of any authentic Australian foods now.

The second aspect of food was in a recent newspaper. It seems the ridiculous hike in food prices has even surprised the critics. During the past 18 months prices in staple foods - bread, milk, rice, fruit, vegetables etc have risen more then three times the prices of fizzy drinks, hamburgers, and general junk-food. (I don't include fast-food because all of us know there's a big difference!). So surprise, surprise, people who are on low or no incomes (single parent families, the elderly, and in fact the majority of us) find they have to buy food that isn't quite so good for us, than it is to buy food that will nourish us and keep us healthy. This means more people are eating foods which fill us up, rather than do us good!

As a result of the on-going drought conditions here, and the drying up of many of our major rivers, even the Government is suggesting that farmers walk away from their irrigation farms! Where's the sense in that? The land, and Australia is the driest continent, is drying up even moreso. Farmers have recently been bulldozing their orchard trees as well as grape vines, in order to try something else. No water! In some areas farmers even have to apply to their local councils or state government and have to pay for a permit to actually pump water from their own dams! The areas where crops and pastoral families have survived for generations, is changing. Another suggestion is for fruit growers to "move" to other States - i.e. further north, in order to take advantage of the tropical rains. I'm a city girl (but that doesn't make any difference) because I see what is happening to farmers, yet common sense tells me that something strange is going on, and it's not only here in Australia.

So the drought, coupled with the disastrous bushfires that have swept across the southern states while the northern states are being floodbound, means that more and more farmers are going broke. Less and less food being grown. Less meat and meat products being produced. Less fishing being allowed. Less choice for the homemaker. And with stringent water restrictions many people who would like to grow their own fruit and vegetables find that without water they can't.

Where to from here?